THE WEDNESDAY CLUB:...Writing This Week Is Supreme Court Associate Justice Samuel Alito...He's Pumped...And Thinking About Losing His Grouchy Wife...He's Got His Eye On Sexy Lauren Boebert, The Fondling Republican...

 

By SAMUEL ALITO/ Special To The Sun

PORT ISABEL, Texas |...Well, Martha-Ann just wanted to get away from it all. Washington, D.C. and our home in neighboring Virginia just weren't the places for love anymore. Too many people bitching up that way. They jumped all over my wife over the manner in which she flies flags outside our home. Runs'em up upside down.

What can I tell you that you don't already know?

But we're here and here we'll stay a few days. At the Port Isabel Yacht Club, although I've not seen a single yacht. Maybe they'll come for the July Fourth Regatta.

In any case, I suppose I should tell you that the wife is troubled. She keeps asking me if I still love her. The press has been especially hard on her. She looks like heck. Her moptop gray hair has turned whitish, and with that roundish face, well, she could easily be mistaken down here for a big, fat seagull.

We've been married a long time. From those days before I joined the Supreme Court and became a bigot, someone out to offer political dogma and not interpretation of our beloved Constitution. Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned.

And now I feel like sinning again.

My wife bores me. Hopefully, the news media won't grab that and run with it. I mean, we've been on the cover of Rolling Stone and even some lowly bloggers have given us heck. I'm Italian and I want to fight back, put my fist down a reporter's throat and boot up his or her ass. That's how we'd do it in Mafia-run Sicily, where my family tree was first planted and grew like a sumbitch.

It was that story out of Denver that drew me to her, I can now say. Who exactly is "her," you might ask. Well, as the Beach Boys like to say at the beginning of their songs, it's Colorado Congresswoman Lauren Boebert. She loops me, and I don't know what to do.

I was mesmerized by that episode of Lauren (Gosh, I want so much to say her name, all day long) at that showing of Beetlejuice where she was caught fondling her male date and being fondled. It was like a soft-porn scene from an Erich Segal novel (Love Story), with me playing Ryan O'Neil and sweet Lauren being Ali McGraw. You know, I had a dream in which, well, there we were. Lauren even called me "preppie." I woke up smiling.

So, who knows where this will go?

I'm due back at my seat on the High Court in a few days, but I'm not rushed. My colleague Clarence Thomas turned me onto this Texas zillionaire by the name of Crow and, well, we can get up there in no time at all aboard his private jet.

Tonight, here at the P.I. Yacht Club, I will fess it all up to Martha-Ann.

My wife is not good at taking horrible news, but what the heck, right?

I'm a Supreme Court bad ass these days...

-30-

[EDITOR'S NOTE:...This is the inaugural installment of a weekly feature in which we publish writing by noted politicians and other celebrities...always in a satirical vein, of course...]