TACO TUESDAY:...Grub At The Lonely Airport...Who is Zamir?... Melly...Little Hands Blogger Jimmy Barton...Fast Eddie Garcia...Letty Perez-Garzoria...

 

By EDUARDO PAZ-MARTINEZ

BROWNSVILLE, Texas | Okay, how many of you farmworkers know that Brownsville has an airport? Raise your skinny arms and show me your hands, even if they're Trump-like "little hands," like secondhand information specialist Blogger Jim Barton's. Come on. Come on now. What - no hands?

Geez, Louise. What if you built an airport for commercial travel and nobody came?

Well, that's Brownsville, the most populated city in the Rio Grande Valley. It counts almost 200,000 fun-starved residents. Smaller Harlingen, a few miles to the west, has the region's busiest airport. Its population is barely 77,000.

What's wrong with that picture?

Everything. El Brownsville once served major airlines like Pan Am and Braniff. Today, it has a sprinkling of daily flights, but no damned rush by anyone to get out of town, which is what every taxpaying resident of this border town ought to do. How much has the city spent on improvements? Ands still no flights to major destinations, like Cancun? Paris? Rome? Laredo?

The photo you see above is of an empty space inside the renovated Brownsville airport terminal. It is being marketed to anyone wishing to open a restaurant at the local airport. Will a major eatery amble in? Will some local entrepreneur go for it?

I mean, hey, you'd have the overweight airport employees as steady customers.

The depressing space's deal is being promoted by slack-jaw District 2 City Commissioner Linda Macias, who opens her Youtube spiel on the deal with a very long-winded, totally-Border "Ahhhhlooooo-OH" before noting the positive, possibly money-making side of the empty space. Good luck, Linda.

This latest Casa De Nylon bun crib just doesn't do anything for the appetite, honeybun.

Burning Tacos at the airport may sound like a needed novelty to the thousands here who weekly flock to their neighborhood taquerias but would maybe want a change of scenery and different accompanying noise. Eh, Vatos Locos, let's trade gunfire for take-off noise!

"Three crispy tacos de pollo," you say as engines rev-out out on the tarmac.

Que wild!

Plus, Linda Lou, why name the street leading into and out of the airport after Amelia Earhart? I mean, homely cockpit hack Amelia got lost in the South Pacific and was never found! John Wayne Airport in Santa Ana, California is located on "Airport Way".

Paging Linda "Raton" Macias.

You have a call from Whataburger on Line 3...

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I miss Melissa Zamora. She was the only one who could summon me to Brownsville, and I'd be there in a jiffy. Sweet Melly was no artist or even "caricaturist," but she was a city commissioner and that meant for something in our Big Fat Book about Brownsville people.

Once, likely while extremely bored, the amateur caricaturist Nenny Barton, now dead 5 years, drew a cartoon of Melly and Melly did not like it. Nenny, no Basquiat, had drawn a wilting red flower in Melly's beautiful hair.

Melly being Melly, well, she drew the one you see above of Nenny, and signed it.

Wow, that almost sounds like the intro to Wooly Bully: Melly told Nenny, about a thing she saw...

You get it.

In any case, wouldn't it be just more wunnerful if we had both Melly and Nenny back with us? Yeah, what a wonderful world it would be, as aging-and-about-dead Peter Noone might say about here.

Nenny's death was followed by weird news that her husband, Jimmy Barton, had donated her body to science, and the last we heard, the beautiful Melissa was working for a public utilities company in San Antonio.

So, you see. I have nothing currently drawing me to the border town at the Gaping Sphincter of the Rio Grande.

I remember Melly asking a string of questions when we first met in Browntown. One was about whether I was working for a newspaper.

"No, I'm in citrus now," I told her, adding I was living in The City of Palms, known for its many, many, many, many orchards.

She wriggled in the manner pretty women wriggle, with all-out romantic abandon... 

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Who, pray tell is Dr. Asim Zamir (fleshy dude in red tie above), the medical man often featured but never explained on Elderly-About-Town Blogger Jerry McHale's "A Day With Missing Pieces" blog? Zamir can be found there on the Discount Blog alongside such neighborhood luminaries as Laura E. Cisneros, Tito Mata, Erasmo Castro, Ronnie Saenz, Bob Sanchez, Abelardo Gomez and, yesterday, even dead Omar Lucio, the former sheriff.

Jerry's geriatric absurdities are, of course, well-known and even expected.

This doesn't seem that absurd, but what's the connection with Zamir, or Zamir's connection with the blog, the city and the readership? We would venture to say that this obscure doctor is not a public figure, yet there he is included amongst a veritable who's who of local yokel politicians.

To us, Zamir actually looks like what we would envision Rigo Tovar to look like today were he still alive. Yes, the sadly deceased Matamoros crooner. This guy kinda, sorta looks like Rigo. Rigo with a bad haircut.

Perhaps El Paya Jerry (shown wearing bowling shirt in photo at right) will flesh Zamir out and tell us what the roadside attraction is with this dude. If only El Paya would fall out of his motel bed, bounce his head and shake the cobwebs off his lunch-bucket brain. He's 74 next month, btw - older than most horses and cars.

At his cemetery-ready age, McHale can be excused for whimsically believing that a literal smorgasbord of widows lay before him this entire year. Surprisingly hale, a few of those wrinkled Babes had undergone spiritual tune-ups with the departure of their husbands and, according to El Paya Jerry, had become wonderful, even sexually creative company. We'll leave the imagery to your imagination.

As for Dr. Zamir, well, there has to be a story there, Paya.

Tell it, son. Is he your doctor, your ex-wife's doctor, your son's doctor. Every however-small character fills a place in any given story.

Fans in the balcony are asking: Quien es Zamir?...

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Ah, ese Eddie Garcia! The schoolboard trustee may only look like a "Loser At Love," for rumors move across town and the blogs that he has had more than his share of what we used to call "winter clothing" during our frigid Fall Semesters in college.

Eddie was postured front-center by Pro-Mexicans Blogger Juan Montoya this week on grounds that the BISD Trustee had for some damned-crazy reason men know as pussy promised a woman a job in exchange for, well, Juan didn't quiet say. A job, maybe?

But, as with all cheap-ass mystery novels, Eddie Garcia reportedly fell back on his promise and the unidentified woman first balked and them neighed. All who heard her heard the beginnings of a ribald tale of sorts. Perhaps we'll get to the finer, more-scintillating details next, eh, Juan?

Anyway, Fast Eddie Garcia is a candidate for the job of county tax assessor, only it may just be that he'll bail on that one too, if bad-shitty publicity still makes a real man reassess his political ass and seek redemption from the church.

We cannot tell you who the woman with Eddie in the photo above is, however. If fleshy, jowlsy Dairy Necks are a clue, Eddie Garcia looks happy to be with this pleasant-looking sweetheart, yes.

The long, hard history of Brownsville tells us it is dudes who have mistreated, hit, abused, lied to and in general been assholes to women that are the real fucked-up Border Bandits - Not Juan N. Cortina, a man who alternative border lore has it knew how to treat his big nalgas Babes.

Mexican-looking, high school hallway lothario Eddie "Soy De San Luis" Garcia appears to be one of those gents not exactly in the Best-of-Vatos molds, but still excellent at remorseless repartee...

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Alex Dominguez seems to be back in the political arena (...I almost wrote political enema). Why, is the question. He wants to be a state rep once again, after being one for a few years not that long ago and leaving the job for a failed run at the Texas Senate.

Get lost, Dominguez! You give politics a bad name, to paraphrase Jon Bon Jovi.

You bald quitter. Quit your quitting and quit your stupid personal games. What - being a Nobody saddened you? What did you ever do the first time you found yourself at the State Legislature in Austin? Why, some of the local bloggers were labeling you a wildly-successful rep! If only!! Oh, there were a few pieces of minor legislation you got across the line, but nothing freakin' half-ass memorable.

Go back to La Feria, lad.

You've miscalculated: This is not the Era of Rethreads.    

We need do'ers and representatives out to aid the valley and not themselves. We need loud voices and dudes able to arm tackle and horse collar the strong Republican opposition upstate. We need rough play, ese. Targeting specialists, yes.

Sorry, cowboy.

But you don't fit the prototype for today's game, Alex. And don't do the pathetic, totally expected and sign-on with the starving bloggers to push your unwanted, unnecessary campaign, for that will identify you even more as being nothing but a Barrio Patsy. We've had it with candidates who bring their campaigns personalized with the smells of chicken plates and rice & beans.

You are the sort of politician arriving in unsurpassed bleakness, at a time when the landscape of your failures seems almost to afford politics a dismal glamour...

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He's supposedly headed back to Brownsville after a time in pig-smelling Iowa. That would be one Jimmy Boy Barton, shown in photo above with wife Nenny. "Little Hands" Barton rode Texas Southmost College pretty hard all summer.

Something dark and foreboding and still unresolved about the college's welding program was at the lower colon of his blog almost daily. Joined at the hip by feller Blogger Jerry "El Paya" McHale, Barton typed away like a drug-addled woodpecker for weeks, only to see the story fizzle in the humiliating manner of an old man's premature ejaculation.

Both of them, it is said, tinkled with excitement...in the same cracked cantina urinal.

There's been not a word about the college since these two Word Pushers petered out a month ago. But, man, they were like crazed fire ants evicted from the mound. TSC, its welding program and administrators were hounded for weeks by unemployed, house husband Barton.

Then, his story went whoooooooooooosh. Neighbors heard it blast out of the proverbial outhouse like a fattened avocado sandwich fart, right through the half-moon-shaped window, never to be heard from again. Little Hands Barton (He ragged Trump about his little hands, btw) stopped typing. He'd failed at bringing down the popular little city college and again felt the old familiar pain of working the graveyard shift at that cheap motel.

Recently, Barty changed his blog's slogan from the "human nature" behind the news to "Have Nurse Wife, Will Travel." Of course, we sent him a note, changing it to its rightful place: "Have Nurse Wife, Will Eat." 

Then, Maria, the girthy, Dairy Neck Barton attempted to include dummy conscientious objectors in the honoring of veterans on our annual Veterans Day last week. Talk about a tone-deaf fucker.

We bitched back at him in several of our stories, our anger rising out of knowledge that Sad Sack Barton did not serve in the military, and we suspect he actually was a conscientious objector himself.

That misguided lunkhead won't say, but he should...

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We have been repeatedly asked about a possible worthy opponent for head-strong Republican Mayra Flores in the upcoming, much-anticipated 34th Congressional District race...and we have a name!

Letty Perez-Garzoria.

A Mayra vs. Letty knockdown/drag out would be malarious!

We all know Letty also is a pro-Trump backer, and we know of her vigorous style on the campaign trail, and we know there's an age-difference there, and we know age-differences between Mexican women always bring on some real brawling lulus.

Let's get it on! En esta esquina!!!

But we're only dreaming on this one. Mayra is pretty much holding the Republican nomination in her itching hands, and Letty is likely not even interested. What a pity.

Mayra has three opponents in the party primary, only all three of them are Losers At The Starting Blocks - raw rookie Laura E. Cisneros, The Big Nothing Greg Kunkle and Vato-at-Large Mauro Garza, all just another cover band Peter, Paul and Almond Trio.

But, hey, if any of you get word that Perez-Garzoria has entered the fray, well, do let us know and there'll be a quick $10 gift card to Taco Bell for you and your girlfriend. Posthaste, yes.

Rapido, rapido!!!...

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Taco Tuesday out...

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